I have Multiple Sclerosis. This has been a secret of mine for what is now over a decade and the people that know this fact about me were few and far between.  As from today, however, I assume there will be a few more…

“What is MS?” If you asked this question to the next person in the street, chance is, they will have no idea. Chance is, you don’t know what MS is because sadly, there is close to zero awareness about this condition in Malta. Maybe someday, that will change and hopefully, this blog will help create just a tiny ripple toward that change.

Truth is, I have MS, and even I find it difficult to explain, because the disease is so varied and unpredictable.  The symptoms of the condition are endless and differ from one MS sufferer to another, as well as one relapse and another.  Dr Google will however explain MS as being a disabling disease of the brain and central nervous system. In MS, the immune system attacks the nerves causing communication problems between the brain and the body. What stands out, are the range of signs and symptoms, which can include double vision, partial or complete loss of vision, muscle weakness, fatigue, dizziness, tingling or pain, trouble with sensation or trouble with coordination and trouble walking.  Reality check – Let’s agree that Dr Google, doesn’t make this sound promising, though, Dr Google hardly makes anything sound promising.

I have however, in the past ten years suffered at some point or another, from all of the above symptoms and much more.  The MS I suffer from, is the relapsing-remitting kind, which means I experience periods of new symptoms, then after about two months of hell, the nerves begin to heal; in the most part anyway.  However, to me MS isn’t just this. MS is an autoimmune disease, this means, my body attacks itself, which when you stop to think about it, is a very hard fact to accept. MS to me is my body betraying me at the age of 23. MS to me was feeling 100 years old when I was not even 25.  MS is a secret I kept most of my life and I don’t even really know why. MS is a part I hated about myself for a very, very long time. MS is the reason I had to leave a job that defined me.  MS is what made having children much tougher than having children already is. MS is wishing I can give my son a sibling but knowing that I can’t, because I would not have the strength to care for both. MS still is, a daily struggle. MS, is what made me think of death more often than I would like to admit.

However, this isn’t a story about doom and gloom. This is a story about life. My life. This is a story I want to share because today I am in a better place and I can. Because today I want to tell the person reading this, the person who has MS or any other disease, autoimmune or not, invisible or not, that you are not suffering alone and you definitely do not have to. Get help, reach out; whether it is to me or anyone else. I had been in therapy to reach acceptance of this condition for almost 6 years and it is this therapist that has given me the strength to be where I am today.  Today, I am a Trainee psychotherapist myself, with a year to go for my final exam and I want to help other people the way another inspiring soul helped me. Today I want to share my story and tell you that having MS, hasn’t been all bad for me (though it was for an incredibly long time) so maybe, it doesn’t have to be all bad for you.

Over these years of suffering, I have finally given my disease purpose.  My purpose is to help others suffering from diseases similar to mine and possibly, even help the families of these sufferers understand just a little bit better.  It is to help every single person out there who feels he or she has been let down by their own body, those people suffering in silence and alone, simply because from the outside they might look fine. But I guarantee you one thing; if you follow my blog you’ll realise, looking fine doesn’t mean that from the inside, somebody around you isn’t screaming in agony or trying so hard just to make it through another day, simply because she or he, has no other way!

So that’s what this is about.  It’s about living life with an invisible autoimmune disease and not just surviving, but managing to come out on top! Or at least, trying your damn hardest to every single day.