Since March 6th, I’ve been thinking, “How is it, that Multiple Sclerosis, is suddenly a disease that might kill me?”

Living through a pandemic is certainly not something any of us thought we’d live to see and yet, here we are, 2020 and it’s happening. Albeit not being the common flu everyone hoped and wished it to be, from what I’ve understood, Covid19, does not kill you, but complications from it, can. Also, anyone over 65 and, or anyone taking immunosuppressants due to previous health conditions, are also considered “vulnerable” during this time; because in this case, it can kill you as well. Yet, being one of the persons to have received a letter at home from the government, labelling me as “vulnerable” and advising me to stay home, it suddenly feels like its MS that can kill me, because if I didn’t have MS, I would have never received that damn letter at the age of 36.

How angry that makes me. How sad that makes me. Yes. How very sad. When you’re diagnosed with a chronic condition at the age of 23, one of the first things your doctor tells you is, “You don’t die from MS,” as though that statement, was meant to make this painful life-sentence, OK. But now I know they were right in telling me so. Because it was certainly easier knowing that you don’t die from MS, or at least, you didn’t die from MS… up until Covid19. So how sad it is, that right now, I, along with every other person suffering from MS and every other immunocompromised person out there, might actually die because of our pre-existing conditions; conditions that up until 9 weeks ago, did not kill us. Conditions we were living “just fine” with. By just fine I do mean, aches, pains, hospital appointments, psychotherapist appointments, blood tests, routine tests, a few mental break downs, MRI tests, strong treatment, dealing with their side effects and the likes. But hell, right now, all that truly sounds, just fine! That battle, was at the very least, a battle we knew, a battle we fought well and I dare say, were even winning!

As a trainee therapist, I know its ok to be sad and I’m ok with being both angry and sad. It’s a process. It’s called grief. And I also know, its normal to mourn the life I had that I no longer have because I’m locked inside my house, hiding from a deadly virus. Going through the stages of grief is never easy and yet, as an MS sufferer I would think I should be used to it. I have grieved time and time again. Grieved over events I couldn’t attend, grieved over a job I had to leave, grieved over holidays I didn’t go to, grieved over children I couldn’t have. I have grieved; but it never gets easier does it?

The becoming, of a qualified Gestalt psychotherapist, is a dream I’ve had and have worked hard for, for three years now. And yet, the finish line is a milestone that at this very moment seems further away the longer I’m stuck in here and that, makes this grief, that much harder. But then I stop, I go to therapy, I think and process and I am aware that beyond the sadness that comes knocking in waves, I must stay with what is and I know, that despite the hurdles that 2020 has thrown our way, I cannot give up, because becoming a warranted Psychotherapist is more than just a dream. It’s part of my  mission to help others, who like me, are struggling with their mental health because of their physical health. So, I know, that Covid19 will not take this away from me. It might delay it, it might mean getting creative and adjusting my plans, but it’s not taking it away. So, if I must stay home for now in order to get to that finish line, then home I shall stay for as long as it takes and likewise, I beg each and every one of you struggling with being “vulnerable” reading this, to do the same. You might notice, I don’t sit very comfortably with this term we’ve been given, but whilst we might really be vulnerable to this virus, this new Corona Virus will not win because we won’t let it.

If you had hopes and dreams and plans that seem to have been jolted because of Covid19, if you feel your ground has been shaken so badly you can’t even tell which side is up. Hang in there. Stop. Truly, stop for a second. Breathe. Ground yourself, and despite it all, look around you, you’re safe, you’re ok and know, that this too shall pass. Focus on what you can control, and that, right now, is staying home. So stay home, wait, stay safe till it does pass and prepare to fight harder for those dreams and plans you had 9 weeks ago. Stay strong for them. Stay healthy for them, you have to, because we are warriors and warriors fight, it’s what we do and we do it well, so we sure as hell aren’t about to stop fighting now!

I end this today with a short note for those not considered “vulnerable” but are still reading this. Please, do stay home too if you can and stay safe if you can’t, practice social distancing, because in so doing, you help not only yourself, but each and every “vulnerable” wife, husband, mother or father, son or daughter, sister or brother out there, stay safe too. Remember each “vulnerable” person, is someone very important to someone else, possibly, someone else’s everything. So be considerate, be kind, be respectful. The only way we can do this is if we do it together. Together, we are stronger as a nation, as human beings, those vulnerable and the ones a little less so.