Grief comes in five stages; or so they say. Though having been through it more than once, I consider this to be a very simplistic way of looking at it. I assume many of you have heard of these stages and would therefore know, that denial is one of them. If you haven’t gone through it yourself however, you might not know that denial, can be a real bitch!

It can last for years. In my case, around 9 years. I personally believe that up to a certain extent, denial is important for our survival. It comes in many ways and forms and you probably won’t even realize you’re in denial, till well… till you realize. My denial came mostly in a deflective format, amongst other therapeutic terms I can throw at you but will spare you. Deflection is only one of the many ways humans adjust to a situation that pains them too much, or a situation they’re not comfortable with. Deflection. Avoidance. Changing the subject. Laughing when you’re meant to cry. Using sarcasm when you’re meant to be serious. Changing the topic, or keeping very busy doing something else, anything else. I was an expert in doing all of the above. . .

I lived a certain way for a long time and adjusted my ways to cope with the traumatic experience of becoming sick at a young age. I needed to grieve the 24-year-old healthy girl I was never going to be. But I chose not to do that. I escaped the situation and never mentioned it to anyone. To the point that if anyone asked if I was ok during a relapse, which didn’t happen often (out of no one’s fault but my own,) but when it did happen, I always said I was fine. I felt like I had to make myself fine, for me, but even for them – because the denial came both ways.

There are many stories I can tell you of me pretending I was fine. But I’ll write about the one that stays with me the most. The day I chose my wedding dress, I had a bad relapse and I couldn’t see very well because I had a very serious case of diplopia, or in simple terms – double vision. I was pretty much seeing two of everything. Till today, I wonder whether I’d have chosen that dress had I been well and seeing properly. My husband insists I looked magnificent but I still doubt my choice; which was rash and somewhat blinded – literally. The reason I tell you this story is to show you the extent of my denial. Because I shouldn’t have been choosing my wedding dress that day, I should have been resting. The dress could have waited a few weeks till I got better. But I kept retroflecting my needs and fought with myself pretending I was ok. The plan was to choose a dress, so I was going to choose a dress no matter how unwell I was feeling! If you had to ask me today if I’d do that all over again, I’d tell you I wouldn’t. I enjoyed shopping for my best friend’s wedding dress so much more than I did my own, and that’s just sad isn’t it. Firstly, because it’s the most expensive dress you’ll ever wear and because choosing the dress is choosing the damn dress, so ideally, you can see it well, and you’re enjoying every second, not cursing through every second.

The moral of this story is to remind you, it’s important to admit you are too unwell to do something, even if you don’t look unwell and most importantly, even if it wasn’t part of your plans to stay home. Because getting sick and staying home is never part of our plans is it. But if you don’t admit it, you might regret it; I know I do. I said earlier on that denial is important for survival; but we cannot live in survival mode forever. That’s not a healthy way to live. It’s important to become aware of our needs more than our wants, acknowledge the fact that at this time, you can’t drive, you can’t be shopping for wedding dresses or going to work, or partying the night away, possibly, you can’t even take care of your own child…I’ve been there…delegate some tasks. You need attention, so get it. Take baby steps towards acceptance and do so, for your own well-being. If what you need is to sulk in bed for a week or two, then sulk in bed for a week or three…then yes, off course, get up, be a better mum because you’ve rested, be a better dad, choose that dress, meet your friends – well since we’re going through a pandemic, ideally don’t meet too many friends 🙂 or do, with social distance in mind! But in the meantime, take the time to regroup and get better.

Sick leave is there to be taken if you need it by the way, I had a tendency to forget that and felt guilty when I took it. Don’t. Taking it only means you are aware of your needs and the importance of tending to them above all else. So here goes my mantra; become aware of what you are really feeling and what your body needs at this very moment. It’s not just about you. It’s about your body too. You may sometimes feel like you’re stuck in a body that doesn’t or shouldn’t belong to you. But it does doesn’t it. And we should treat it with love and respect, the same love and respect we’d show a friend if they were sick, yet we find it so hard to show this love to ourselves sometimes. This awareness, is key to helping you move on from denial. Awareness will slowly lead to acceptance, and I believe acceptance is what will become your real strength.

I’m going to end today’s journal somewhat differently. I’m going to share with you a few tips that have helped me get to the place I am today…..so if you suffer from MS but even if you don’t, please take from these what you wish 🙂

  • Breathe. Its elementary isn’t it? But sometimes we forget. Breathe deep breaths whenever it all gets a little too much.
  • Find a good neurologist. One you like and one you trust. If you don’t, don’t be scared to change. This person will be important in your life whether you like it or not and I know you don’t like it, so ideally, at the very least, you actually like them.
  • Find a GP that’s as amazing as mine. One that can take you through all the questions you may have and guide you through every routine blood test you have to take for the rest of your life (if you’re on disease modifying drugs.)
  • Find a good psychotherapist. One you trust blindly and like just as much as you like the two persons above … or a little bit more 🙂
  • Tell a friend. Or a stranger. Just tell as many people as you need to tell to make it ok.
  • Everything you read isn’t bible. Do your research, but don’t drown in it.
  • With this research in mind, eat well if you want to but not because you have MS; but because apparently, we are what we eat, so I guess it’s fine to be Mc Donald’s on some days, but it’s also great to be an avocado on other days!
  • Go for a walk. Meditate. Do yoga. Pray. Or do none of the above, but do something that makes you feel at peace with yourself at the end of the day.
  • Cry. But don’t do it alone.
  • Things will never be the same, but they don’t need to be…create your new same, one where resilience is at the top of the list of every day.
  • Smile, because you want to, but not because you have to.
  • Love yourself AND your sick body no matter what.
  • Know, it’s going to be ok.

Do you ever think you’re weak because you’re sick? Think again…. Welcome to the strongest you that you’ve ever been!

If you’re not there yet, be patient. You will…. A new life will begin with acceptance. Look forward to it.