“What is it like to become a mum with MS?” “Should a woman with MS have a child?”

These are just a couple of questions I am pretty sure any woman diagnosed with MS, or any other debilitating disease, has asked herself at some point or another.  And my honest answer is, if you are one of the lucky ones to be granted the blessing of bearing children, then don’t let MS stop you.

What is it like though? I’m the first to tell you, it isn’t easy. If your story is anything like mine, there will be moments where you will struggle. However… don’t all mums struggle at some point for some reason? Moreover… no mum knows what the future holds, no mum knows if she’s going to get sick at some point along the way and struggle to care for her child. That doesn’t stop them from having children, they choose hope, so why shouldn’t an MS sufferer be allowed to choose hope too?!

None of my doctors ever discouraged me from having a child, however I do know, some doctors don’t encourage it, and I also knew that becoming a mum with MS would come at a price. Anyone that knows anything about MS will tell you this, and I am telling you the same. However, I am also telling you, it is a price I was willing to pay and will never, regret paying, albeit the pain that came along with it.

When I became pregnant – and that journey wasn’t an easy one – it was a dream come true…and it was a dream I could enjoy, because I was finally, relapse free. So, there was a point where I believed I could do it all; be a mum, keep my job, go on play-dates, get the shopping done, prepare a warm dinner for myself and my husband every evening, have a clean house, oh and stay sane. Complete and utter bull. I obviously hadn’t reached acceptance of my condition at this point, because if I had, I’d know that was impossible. But I did, for a while believe and hope I could, because us women, think we can do it all. And well, partly we can, but partly we can’t. Because 3 months after I gave birth, the mother of all relapses came along and broke me down, inside and out and I can assure you, what I did, is the opposite of what I had planned.

If I must be completely honest; the first year of my son’s life, was probably the worst of mine – and it hurts me greatly to admit that. But the pain I was in, my goodness, the exhaustion, I have never experienced anything like it. Every mum is exhausted in the first few months of her child’s birth, pair that, with an autoimmune disease, with one of its main symptoms being fatigue and well, you get a very, very, very, exhausted woman striving very, hard to keep it together.  The exhaustion itself literally hurt my brain, it hurt my eyes it just hurt everywhere. The brain fog. The numbness in parts of my body that should never, ever be numb. The physical ache, if anyone just grazed my skin.  And the extent of it… months passed and I couldn’t get better. This is probably also because the medication I was on at the time, unfortunately, wasn’t working.

It was so consuming that more than once, after finally managing to put my son to sleep, I stood alone, looking out of the kitchen window, and truly believed that not waking up the next morning, would be easier; better……. And the reality is, that easier it would have probably been. But better? No! I was sure about that. Now I had him and seeing him grow, was the reason I had to stay alive, it was the reason I had to keep fighting, the reason I wanted to keep fighting!

I couldn’t keep up with both work and my son, it was just too hard.  I silently prayed that my mum would come over after work because I couldn’t take care of him on my own. I cancelled most of the play dates I made with friends because I did not have the strength nor the will to go and eventually, I stopped planning dates all together. We ate out of take-out boxes every night 5 times a week and all I wanted to do was cry and sleep. So, was this the life I wanted for me and my family? Is this why I had him? To watch him grow from a distance because I was too tired to actually care for him?

The answer was simple; No. Even though I admit, it didn’t feel like a simple decision at the time, and it took a lot of therapy to get there. But I slowly became aware that there were changes that needed to be done. I’m not writing this blog to tell every woman suffering and struggling from an autoimmune disease, to leave their job just because that’s what I did.  Far from it! Everyone’s situation is different, everyone’s symptoms are different. In my case, this is what it took to get better at the time and in the end, we made ends meet. In the meantime, I’m now studying, and working again on my own terms, at my own pace. So what I AM saying is, listen to your body.

I firmly believe that at times, we have to be our own best doctor – without taking anything away from my marvellous doctors 🙂 What are you feeling right now? What is your body telling you? Whether you are a woman struggling to get pregnant, a struggling mum with a disability, or just a mum juggling everything and beyond, especially during Covid19, the message is always the same.  Listen to your body a little bit more. In Gestalt therapy, we use the body quite a lot when we work with our clients. Most times, it’s trying to tell us something but we choose to ignore it. We deflect, we swallow our hurt and we move on because that’s what we do. But learn to know your limitations. I personally think all women are super heroes just by becoming mums; but be aware, we aren’t superhuman! We need to take care of us, before we take care of our little ones, so stop, think and realise what you need to do to get there. Reach out to your support systems! Call your friend, drink a glass of wine, and cry. Then, sleep. Then, take the decisions you need to take, make the changes you need to make. Get help. Take a break. Find time to rest and regroup because after that, things always look a little different, a little lighter, a little brighter.  That’s what I did to get better and that’s what I still do from time to time when things get rough again. We tend fall into old patterns, we find the right medication, we get well, life happens and so once again we believe we can do it all, but our body reminds us. Just listen.

I end on a note for those aspiring mums that are suffering and scared; Please Know, that despite the fear and the pain that I mention, four years down the line I wouldn’t have it any other way.  So if like me, you want to have children more than anything, despite MS, despite any other disease you might have; if you can, and if your doctors agree, then go for it, and if your doctors don’t agree, then get a second opinion. No woman should be deprived of this miracle if that is what she wants for herself. However, yes, also know that it isn’t easy, know that there are sacrifices and changes you will need to make; however, this is no different to sacrifices other mums make. So, the final question begs, would I do it all over again even if I knew all the pain and struggles ahead? Yes, yes I would have, but I think it might have helped me knowing, that I would have lost parts of me too along the way; and that, is the reason I wrote this blog. But please remember, this is my story, my journal, and yours doesn’t have to be the same, though it might….and you might relate.